God I thank you for letting me suffer painful moments in this experience, God , people have told me numerous times that they dont believe in you because you bring sufferage in the world. Sadly I know someone will criticize this letter, but I would like to make a side note I havent suffered torture, an illness, fear, sexually abused, or anything in this horrible nature I suffered things with in my self, and some things from others, but not ever to this degree, and this is my blog to write what i feel, believe, learned, my sufferings, its mine so please. Comunque, I was saying, there is suffrage for us to learn from ourselves, our culture, the things we should be grateful for, and so many more things, with suffrage I learned, and have became a different person within myself. I asked God everyday when i started to feel lonely, so lonely, why, why do I have to be here in Fonni, a village with a mentality never known, or existed in my world. a closed mentality, cold people, still living the way of their ancestors. A mentality i couldnt describe to , a mentality that has beaten to my lowest points, a mentaliy that has taught me things, a mentality that I will forevermore thank because it changed my life.
I woke up this morning thinking that it really was the end of the world, the clouds, houses , so gloomy, so dead, with a red mist above it, with the smoke coming out of the chimneys. An ugliness that I have never seen before. It was strange I felt fearless a changed person...........
For the past last months my host mom reccounted me of a person that committed suicide, but it is unusally often here. The repeated occurence. a man who worked in the fields with sheep, lonely, had no one, and there was anything to life but to kill himself.
Being completely inspired by Johnnny Cash, hurt, he is singing exactly how I am feeling this point. I love you Johnny Cash :)
They died of solitary. Solitary makes you who you arent, makes you evil, makes you suffer, and to some they take the extremity, and take their life to finish the pain. I want to point out that I never, ever have gotten to that point, I dont have the guts to kill myself , I learned life is way to precious to do that, unfortunately all the people in the world who have committed suicide suffered to the point of extremity that there wasnt feeling, and life wasnt worth living. R.I.P all those who committed suicide , you will always remain in my hearts.
I suffered the tiniest amount of solitary compared to those who went to that point, I have a journal, where I wrote some mean things, always in a mood of i dont give a care, laughing made me mad, i stayed at home, closed up from the world, I became one of them of my village. A closed, sad, person..........
Doing an experience like this you need a hella of a lot of courage. My culture is completely different than the culture here. 3o mins from fonni, an hour away, the culture is drastly different. I never knew that there was a mentality, culture, traditions, costumes, , never even knew the meaning of this words. Making friends is hard. I am a different person than I was 6 months ago.
Little shy Giselle, not at all outgoing, pretty much not knowledgable compared to these kids in Europe, I hated going to school , I would take my seat, sit back, not talk reserved Giselle, today was different. I woke up with a smile smiling to fonni, smiling to the world, smiling to my solitary, smiling to my changed being. Suffrage is beautiful.
I walked out the door with my held up high confidence, and abundance amount of knowledge, accepting the changed me. I wrote in my journal I want to be a changed person , and why havent i changed, being changed is the most fearful thing that i have ever accepted, I feel amazing on top of the world, but life is not easy like that I will suffer maybe in 5 minutes, i will let myself down, someone will hurt me, but at this very moment I have proclaimed that I have changed. The most amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life. I entered schooled today put myself out there, told jokes, talked, yes Giselle Ramirez made the initiative and talked, I told my friends what I learned, how have I changed, my sufferings, and my decision to change my family. Yes it is not set in stone I am waiting to talk to my advisor, but I am definitely going through with this. before I despised my classmates, figured that they didnt like me, but these sardinian people are by far the nicest group of people i have ever met. all lending a hand, wanting to make a day so that we could all be together, wanting me to not suffer anymore. Never in my life from friends I must say, experienced such warmth, love, it made me feel even more amazing! Its strange to hear me be so happy, but I suffered, but I have changed my mentality on life, I want to be happy, forgive, and continue to live this uncertain human life filled with immaginabile dissappointments, woes, beautiful things, experience, being human is just so damn hard to put it simply., but I am thankful to have been given at least the possibility to live this magnificent thing that we call life... If it werent for the Terralba camp, and 2 amazing volunteers, and all the people that have crossed paths in my life,the people who made me smile, who cared, who gave love, today wouldnt have ever been immaginiable, I never would have became a changed person. I thought I would write more but my mind is empty, write when ifeel inspired. Off to pranzo, one of the best things in Sardegna that i love. . .
baci, abbraci, live for today and not for tomorrow,
Giselle
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